I just spent the entire afternoon reading The Fever by Megan Abbott. I couldn't put it down because I wanted to know the ending, but if I had something else to do, I'd have stopped reading and forgot all about it. It was a thrill for sure, but the first half of the book was way too draggy.
And now, I feel empty. I just cleaned my room and everything's where they are supposed to be, and it's so much cleaner and ... but also so much emptier. Sometimes I appreciate a healthy dosage of messiness.
Maybe I can start on another book? I also have Love Letters To The Dead by Ava Dellaira and the synopsis intrigued me.
Okay, maybe the burnout started on the 1st of January, when my maternal uncle replied my new year wishes with a suggestion for me to find a church (or "home" as he calls it) in 2015 and dedicate a few hours a week embracing God. At that moment in time, I wanted to throw the phone at the wall.
I don't hate my uncle, and I certainly don't hate God. And I'm quite sure he's asking me to do that because he knows all about the drama in my house.
But, I really hate going to churches. I used to go to a church near my house when I was in primary school, and that was the place where I faced immense prejudice and ostracism. My hair was poofy (like bush like that), I was fat and ugly, and nobody at that church made me feel good about myself. The kids who attended the same Sunday school classes with me were horrible, and the Sunday school teachers were even worse - they always asked for every kid's opinions, but they would always skip my turn. Till now, I still don't know why they did that. It got so bad (one boy said he didn't want to sit next to me because he said I was fat and my hair looked like it had lice) that I started telling lies to my mom to not attend Sunday school. Once I started secondary school, I stopped going.
Ever since then, I rarely visited churches for religious purposes.
And I know that right now, I'm a complete misfit in my family. I'm the only one who does not go to church every week and it irritates me that I have to go to church to prove that I still love God. God has been in my heart ever since I was born and that will never change. I don't announce my love for God constantly, and I don't preach how amazing and wonderful God is on a regular basis, but that does not mean that God is non-existent in my life. I still pray every night before I go to bed, thanking Him for the good things and the lessons from the bad things. It's like I'd rather have my alone time with God than sharing with a lot of people.
My sister goes to church every Saturday and her church friends have become her close friends and I'm sure they were those who influenced her to be more mature as well. Good for her and I'm happy that she found her "home".
But it's just not for me. Some people go through years to learn Bible verses and I completely salute and respect them, but for me, it's simple - I have God in my heart and in my mind, and He will always be my guidance in life.
Ah, I didn't expect this to turn out to be a naggy post about religion. But I feel a little bit better now.
I shall stop now. Don't want to go on and on and on....
Have a good week ahead! :)
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