One thing that has been occupying my mind quite a lot is what I'm going to do in the future after graduation. My initial plan was to intern at CLEO and then after I say au revoir to university hell, I will continue working there. However, an ominous thought always lingers; what if I don't get the internship? What will I do then? I thought of quite a few back-up plans: perhaps try to get internship at CHIC magazine (the new biweekly fashion bible), or maybe get internship as a student pursuing Public Relations at some beauty company like MAC, Maybelline, Sephora, etc.
But then again, another thought will dawn upon me: what if I'm not good enough for whatever is expected of me as an intern? It's normal and obvious for most interns to not have experience, but what if I cannot live up to whatever high standards that are set for me to achieve? I'm growing to be such a worry-wart.
Another thing will be the issues with self-esteem, or perhaps to say it specifically self-pride and self-love. Being beaten down by others is no big deal, everyone deals with that. But being beaten down by yourself is a sign that someone is crushing under the pressure. I constantly say to myself that if I give my best in whatever I do, everything will go well. The people around me are not helping the situation, with some thinking I am some blonde(hint: the hair) shit that comes from the land of bimboticism. Being reserved about certain things does not qualify me as someone dense. I have my own thoughts and I have my own opinions; I just don't say them that much, I prefer to write them down. I'm rather scornful about this matter because I know I shouldn't be bothered by all these retarded comments made by some air-heads, but I am. I am letting all these negative remarks get into me. And to finish it off, I am convinced that whatever they say may have some truth in them. Hence the state of me taking everything with a pinch of salt. I don't have a clear goal anymore. I have lost my competitive nature.
Let's skip studies; they are nor exactly the things I want to ponder about right now. urgh.
The last thing will be something more light-hearted. I love seeing couples on the beaches. I genuinely do. Some people capture the image using their cameras. Some sketch it down on paper. I have it on my mind. Couples that help each other when one falls off the bike, couples who roller-blade together, couples who sit by the beach watching the sun say goodbye to this pathetic world and couples who try their hardest to make the day the best for themselves and their offspring. A lot of emotions went through my head. My family, my life and my friends. Love is so simple, yet so difficult to attain. I'm past the mouldy age of 20, and I still have yet to configure the real meaning of love. To me, love has no definition whatsoever, just a blank canvas waiting for the characters to paint their stories on. I have fortunately gotten love from family, from friends and from past loves, and I do appreciate my life now. Though it may not be the best that I can have, I'm better off than a lot of other people. Appreciation of love takes a full 20 years for me to understand and fully grasp. Love indeed is a complex puzzle that needs to be solved step by step, patiently.
Discussing about love makes me feel very nostalgic.
Remembering how my grandma used to give me the meatballs when we ate noodles together because she knew I loved those meatballs.
Remembering how my best friends were there for me when I had a mental breakdown.
Remembering how my past loves tolerated with my weird idiosyncracies.
Remembering how I loved myself.
I really should go back to the times when I knew what I did was for myself and not for others. Healing fully can take some time, but the process itself can be educational in many ways than one.
Sometimes I really wonder why I can write these random words with such ease, and when it comes to assignments I just get blank registered in the brain. I guess I just love being unrestricted and boundary-less.
A free spirit, I really am.
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