looking back, what do you see?

I see a student using her brains to ignore school rules.

I see a student struggling academically when she realised her brain was of little use.

I see a student involved in so many activities she could hardly breathe.

I see a student involved with so few activities, time was passing really slowly.

I see a student using love as a motivation to be a better person.

I see a student crumbling bit by bit because of love.

I see a strong, straightforward student with nothing to be fearful of.

I see a less strong, more straightforward student with a lot to worry about.

These are what I see when I try to look back on my life journey. 

Secondary school was a definite blast. Junior College not so much. 

Now, I am trying my very hardest to use these reflections as reminders of what I should be in university. When I feel really inferior, I think of secondary school days. When I feel proud of myself, I think of JC days. Balanced, but in a crooked way. Irony. You tell me.

Am I still searching for my long lost brightness? Yes, and I hope it will come back.

Am I still going to be the girl with a lot of stuff going on? Yes, but only if I get them.

Am I still looking for love? I thought I would, but now, I don't think I am anymore. 

Am I going to be weaker and weaker inside? I hope not.

Why the sudden self-reflection you might wonder. 

It's because I'm now torn between 2 worlds.

I really want to do FOC and I think I will be a great Costume and Makeup Manager.

So how? People ask me to choose one.

But WHY CAN'T I EMBARK ON BOTH?

You say, because you won't focus that way and then you will slow down the pace of both ad-hoc committees. 

My answer to that will be I am not a person known to lose balance. I have taken a lot of projects at one go and I still complete them successfully and dutifully, and I emphasise, I complete all of them successfully and dutifully.

Who says being Hon Gen Sec for FOC means cannot be Costume and Makeup Manager for Paparazzi? 

Both are what I'm good at. Both are where my interests currently focus on. Both are avenues for maximised self-improvement. 

I have the skills to be a secretary. 

I have the skills to do makeup and costume management.

I have the interests for both.

So why not give me the chance to start on both?

Stop telling me about slowing down the pace of the main comm, because I know that won't happen. 

Tell me I can be the one to break barriers.

Tell me I can be the one who is ambitious and rightfully so.

Tell me I can be the one to make an impact on both areas.

I am so tired about thinking about this stuff.

People bring me down constantly and I don't like it at all. 

When you need the support I give it to you. Who gives me support now? 

All I get is doubtful stares and empty hopes and promises.

Flamingo.

Super flamingo.

effing screwed.