No matter how much I try to tune them out, I cannot get their voices out of my head.
I feel the incredulity at how much of a bully they are and I feel the fury slowly manifesting, but I cannot do anything because I'm not a part of this family. I want to save my mom but in their minds, I'm a 25-year-old freeloader that occupies on entire room in the house forcing all 4 of them to be brewing negativity in one room. I can't help think that this all wouldn't happen If I didn't exist. It's a stupid thought, I know, but my sanity has been forced out of my system.
I cannot think straight, I cannot think rationally.
All I can do is to construct a fake front whenever I'm out with my friends/boyfriend so I don't look like a loser with no hopes and dreams for the future. All I want is just peace internally when I'm out of the house.
I have used the frozen-spoon method so many times before going out to meet friends. I cannot meet them with eyes so swollen from crying the night before... or worse, hours before meeting them.
Yes, I will have my own house by 2019, but I don't know if I can survive 5 more years of this. Every single day, I feel robbed. Please give me my life back? Actually no, just give me a little bit of tenacity back.
I'm not well, I really am not.
The daily veil I wear before I step out of the house is slowly tearing apart.
So dear friends, if I decide to not come for a gathering, it's not because I hate you or have something against you, I'm just not well and I'd rather not spoil your day by showing up with a half-done facade.
Update on 3 November 2014 - Panic attack over and I'm back to normal (hopefully). I need to get better earphones. Time to invest in a good one that can block out all external noise.
1 comment:
On the bright side, HDB usually starts giving out keys in 3.5 years. That's only 2017 or latest 2018. 2019 is their buffer as it becomes a legal issue if they cannot fulfil their contractual obligations to hand over the keys on time.
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