Blog Metamorphosis

I started this blog two years ago, with the sole purpose of ranting. Sometimes I will do the normal what-happened-today posts, but most of the time I tried to kill whoever ignited my wrath that day by dedicating an entire post for that person.

Then it became more of a photoblog - I grew lazy and just kept posting photos with one-liner descriptions.

Not long after, I got interested in cosmetics and fashion, and my blogposts addressed these two interests more and more frequently.

Now, I post mostly Outfit of the Days (OOTDs), recent hauls, and cosmetic reviews, with the occasional soul-searching posts.

Isn't it quite interesting how your blog "grows up" together with you?

There have been so many occasions which almost pushed me to shutting down my blog. I have people saying I shouldn't be posting OOTDs because I'm not thin and glamourous. I have people saying what's the use of a beauty blog when noone really reads it. I even have people telling me my blog reflects how much less intellectual I have become over the years (Don't ask, I also don't know which idiot and how so). But at the end of the day, pressing the "Delete blog" button proved to be more tough than I expected. Blogging has become a habit.

This brings to another topic, which is completely unrelated.

There's this constant feeling, that I get from people around me, that seems like they are not listening to whatever I'm saying or suggesting because I'm not as capable as others. It may be a mere overthinking on my part, but when you get that constantly from people around you, you know something is not right.

I can be saying something. People will stare blankly and then ignore. And then when another person who is perceived to be extremely credible and competent says the same thing that I said previously, they will exclaim and agree profusely with him/her.

I don't get it. Really.

Do I look stupid? Am I stupid? No I don't think so. It's just that I'm always in the shadows of more capable people and hence I'm supposed to be more of a supporter rather than a leader by standards of social norms.

I understand that sometimes I get very random, and I will make stupid remarks about something unrelated. That is just what I am, hence if you ignore my stupid remarks, I'm fine with it because hey! I'm talking to myself anyway. But I don't get why I get ignored on everything that I say. Maybe not only being ignored, more of judging looks on their faces and then ignorance.

I think too much. I know. That's why I have been seeing a counsellor regularly (used to be once a week, but reduced to once a fortnight now). I'm trying very hard to get the sadness out of me.

Every little hurt that is felt by normal person, I will feel it much more magnified. I take one step forward, I get hurt, I stumble and take three steps backwards.

I sound selfish now but it's a plea. Please help me recover from this illness. I don't expect much, I just want...some sort of assurance. :(

And that is completely unrelated to what's written at the beginning.

I shall end here then. Blogging about my feelings do help once in a while.