The Joy of Being Alone

A few nights ago, I couldn't get to sleep. No matter how hard I tried to calm my nerves down, the anxiety keeps invading my mind. After tossing and turning for umpteen times, I finally adjusted my pillow parallel to the wall, and rested my back on it. I knew something was not right inside me because usually I would fall asleep within the 10-minute boundary. I have never done self-reflection for so long in my life before. That night, I fell asleep at 5:30 am despite wanting to rest at 10:30pm the night before. It took me 4 hours of deep thoughts before I answered my every anxiety.

To my friends here, I may come off as being too sensitive. When someone does not ask me out for an occasion, but instead goes out with another person, I get fidgety and wonder if the reason to that is because I'm not an approachable person. Whenever things like this happen, I blame myself. This repeating process of self-blame kills my ability to be rational. I get very afraid of people's judgment and I get terrified when I'm neglected.

That is the crux of the problem. I hate being lonely. The nerve-wrecking thing is that despite hating being all alone, I have a problem with making myself look friendly to others. I don't like to club, which already makes me the outcast of the norm, but hey, I'm not ashamed of this habit, instead I'm quite proud that I still stand by my rules. When I meet new people, I hate being stuck in an awkward moment, but I don't really know how to make conversations stay alive. I may seem chatty and bubbly to my close friends, but in actuality I have a problem with socialising. I'm comfortable talking with my good friends, but talking to a stranger makes me sick. In my mind, the stranger has 2000 pairs of eyes staring down at me when I speak to him/her. I'm absolutely sure that it is a mental problem.

The vibe that I give off to strangers is a solitary one. To them, I prefer to spend time alone and to enjoy my surroundings alone. Nobody understands that when I walk faster than the others, or slower than the others, a mental struggle is happening within me. I don't know whether to throw away my fears and risk being ridiculed or just walk on with my head held high.

I admire people who are able to do things alone.

Even to my new-found friends, I seem aloof and somewhat withdrawn. I tried my very best to change this outlook, but those trials made me feel extremely pretentious. My mind tells me to mingle, but my heart knows I will not enjoy it if I force it. Hence, I keep leaving myself at limbo situations, which is why I doubt myself so much.

I know I have friends who tell me that I'm fine the way I am and that I shouldn't think too much about what people who doesn't know me think about me. I know I have friends who will listen to my every word and not ignore me or interrupt my conversation. I also know that I have friends who will never fail to sms or call me to ask me out if they have going-out plans. But the problem is, these friends are not here.

I am not saying that the friends I make here are rascals. I am grateful that I have them here to at least listen to my woes and to make my exchange a more enjoyable experience. I just happen to be extremely salient at inculpating myself for everything that has gone wrong and I feel guilty that I cannot let them see the real Fitrina because of my inner struggles.

Self-reflection that night proved to be a bit more successful than previous attempts. I have decided to live with this eccentric trait of mine. This may sound cheesy, but before I want others to love me, I have to love myself and so I have to stop the self-mutilating blame game.

Being alone is not a bad thing after all, being lonely is. So the maxim of the day will be being alone beats being lonely, and so I shall make my life better that way.