A strong exterior always accompanied with easily-melting interior.
Elizabeth Gilbert tried to solve her catastrophes by healing herself slowly in a spiritual journey to Italy, India and Indonesia. For me, I doubt I will have the courage to even step out of the house and face the world with a determined spirit.
It makes me wonder sometimes how miniscule my drive is.
I have goals.
I have dreams.
I have plans.
But what I don't have are the processes to which I will achieve these goals.
My mentality is such that life will reward whenever you are worth to be rewarded. No such thing as forcefully trying to change whatever fate has created for you.
And that is why I take things one at a time. I will do what is needed in the present and not worry about the future.
This is a positive trait. However, nothing can be too positive. Sometimes I wonder if I'm taking things too lightly or not; if what I'm doing is enough for everyone and satisfactory to my own ego.
Then comes the matter of being a perfectionist, which clashes in its entirety with being happy-go-lucky. It's like two voices speaking to me at the same time. One will persuade me to take things easy, while the other will persist that if I don't do anything now, the future will be in ruins. It's not very easy to have such conflicting thoughts, especially when you have so many commitments.
I want to improve my GPA.
That was my goal for last semester. The perfectionist and the carefree sides of me crashed really badly. At times, I was crying to my sleep in hall (yes, I cry when I know that my roomie is asleep) because I want to accomplish something but I couldn't. More often than not, I would have my notebook infront of me, together with my readings and lecture slides. But I couldn't start reading anything. Believe me, I wasn't even trying to find an excuse to not study. I stared at the words and nothing went inside the head. It was all a blur. In the end, I would end up doing something else, almost always in no relation to whatever I was intending to do in the first place.
Then the drive would only appear during the last lap, when everyone is expected to be revising their materials. I would start from scratch and endure the torture.
In the end, I survived, and I achieved my goal.
But such, is not an experience that I'm proud of.
Which brings me back to "eat, pray, love".
Elizabeth Gilbert didn't plan her journey from the beginning. But, she knew what she wanted, and she knew the summary as of to how she's going to achieve what she wanted. Nothing too detailed, just a gist of everything.
I need to learn that. I need to learn how to slowly achieve my goals in a pleasant way. That will begin with me slowly changing my studying habits.
It may sound like a joke; me trying to seek some sort of answer and help in my inability to study better. Through the changes that I make in my academic idiosyncrasies, I will be able to change accordingly other important marks in my life.
Eat
Pray
Love
If only life were that simple.
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