emo emo emo. why so emo.

The day that I left WKWSCIFOC'10, I knew I was going to feel a little melancholic. Something that we have worked on for the past ten months has just passed and now the heart feels the tinge of emptiness.

FOC was successful.

Tears were shed.

However, when I reached home, the emptiness inside of me grew and grew, and surprisingly not because FOC is over.

I cried myself to sleep for the past 2 days, and I have been trying to figure out the reason behind my foolish act.

I sat down this morning; just staring out of my living room window. I did that for 2 hours. And I realised why I was being so emotional.

For 2 years, I have been absent on this specific field. I have given advices to others based on my miniscule amount of experiences, but when it comes to myself, I usually just brushed it away.

The feeling of insecurity is back again. It's back to the feeling I had in Secondary 4. Why would anyone like someone so fat and ugly. Why would anyone take notice of someone so inferior. How will I match up with the other person. All these were rushing back to me as I cabbed home on Friday night.

(I'm so sorry KY, but I really have to mention you in this post.)

I liked KY when I was in Secondary 3 and I had no idea how to handle it because of my low self-esteem. The strong exterior that I had was just a cover-up to whatever things that I cannot handle. This liking continued till I was in Secondary 4. It was a really tough time because all that flooded my thoughts were how inferior I was compared to him. I was fat, I had alien hair, he was the head prefect, he had a fanbase (I think) and all the other things that I couldn't hold up to.

Those feelings are now back.

I have been absent for too long.

Once again, I feel inferior. Once again, I want to just curl up and die. Once again, I want to be bulimic and fucking get everything out of my system.

And yes, I used to be bulimic for around 6 months until I realise my voice was changing and I couldn't sing as well for choir. Till now, I regret that moment, but the past 2 nights have been bugging me to go back to the dark side.

This is the time that I announce that Fitrina Lim has officially lost control of her confidence and self-esteem.

That only happens when...

Fitrina Lim starts to fall deep for someone else.

Don't ask. I will tell you when I'm comfortable about it.