I am a certified hypocrite.
I tell people to not give a fuck about what others have to say about yourself, and I'm actually quite affected by these unwanted comments.
After a great and unnecessary amount of time, I concluded that I need people to tell me that I'm okay. If not I will go into this eccentric emo self, and I will shut off all happy thoughts and just have suicidal thoughts.
I admit that I have suicidal thoughts. It's always the same as to how nice it will be leaving behind all your miseries. Then the thought will halt when the picture of me struggling to die appears. What if I don't die and become a vegetable instead!
In short, I'm too chicken to kill myself.
I'm rather in awe of people who can be optimistic all the time. I can be optimistic in front of people. But when alone, I'm a complete mess.
That's why I think I need a lot of love from friends and family. Loneliness is already nurturing within me and so I need a sufficient amount of love to curb the growth rate.
I am such a loser.
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