the agony of being helpless

I think there's something with my brain.

It's not functioning the way I want it to.

And it's making my plans go haywire because of its rebellion.

For example,

I wanted to reduce my intake of carbohydrates from today onwards. But no, the brain decided that a little bread would not be harmless, and I ended up with kimchi instant noodles after that.

Catastrophe.

So I decided to gym it off. The guilt was overpowering, but the brain still is as naughty as a toddler. I ran for 15 minutes and the brain decided hmmm it will be nice to watch Rush Hour 3. And so all I did was A LOT of stretching and 15 minutes worth of running.

I'm actually quite obsessed with the current weight situation. Yes, I have seen heftier days but I also have bade farewell to lighter days. My goal is to be 50kg, is that THAT difficult.

No longer am I going to cry this off. IMMA TAKING SOME CONCRETE ACTIONS!

I think the bane is obviously the carbs. Rice is a staple but also a curse.

So what's the plan?

I'm going to reduce the intake of those darn carbs. Eat half a bowl of rice. Don't eat bread for breakfast or ANYTHING. Eat the entire bowl but leave half of the noodles. Yes. CARBS ARE NOT MY FRIENDS ANYMORE.

Of course, soft drinks are still out of the league. And yes, I have been good girl on that aspect. EVEN COKE ZERO DOESN'T COUNT!

Onto a more solemn situation, my mom just screamed and shouted at me for no reason. I hate it when she does that.

Usually I will just brush it aside and let her scream. but this time it was a little bit intolerable. It all started this afternoon with her having a really bad argument with my stepdad (they make sure they argue at least a million times a week) and so she was in a really foul mood. Whenever she is in a foul mood, she will do some housework. As she ironed some clothes, she realised there were less than enough hangers for her clothes. So she came in and rummaged my wardrobe to find hangers, after telling me to stop buying clothes in a harsh tone. I just nodded and then told her that I don't have hangers and she should stop rummaging the wardrobe because some of the clothes will just slip off the hangers. AND THEN SHE SCREAMED AT ME for not being respectful and that she was already patient with me for a damn long time and that she had not scolded me for a very long time and so I should appreciate it.

I love my mom but when she says things like that for no reason, I will get hot-tempered as well. Come on, I am her daughter and I have her hot-tempered trait in my blood.

So I just told her that if she wants respect, then she should respect me too and not vent her anger on me just because she's upset over other stuff. Then she did the ultimate no-no for me, which is to close the door and just ignore me like that.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

What is wrong with this situation is not with my mother, but with the man she is married to. I have been complaining again and again about this for the longest time ever.

the stepdad is FILTH to Singapore society.

An embarrassment to all Singapore men! (excluding Jack Neo, who is now also rubbish).

He did everything a jerk could do.

Had an affair - ticked

Had an affair in Bangkok - ticked

Quit a high-paying job to be self-employed - ticked

In the meantime, leech off my mom - ticked

Blamed mom for sister's rebellious behaviour - ticked

Watch TV every single hour of his presence at home - ticked

Told mom that brother will be better off not studying - ticked

Told mom the above even though he knew brother is smart - ticked

Threw things at me - ticked

Made my mom go so mad that she strangled me just to spite him - ticked

Made my mom go so mad that she caned me till blood oozed out just to show him that she could discipline me - ticked

All these when I was in primary 4 - ticked

Life sucks back then, and I just tolerated everything. I mean that's why I'm independent today, so no pain no gain huh?

Recess week is ending. I'm displeased.

I'm gaining weight. I'm displeased.

I'm lonely. I'm displeased.

Jack Neo had an affair. I'm displeased.

City Harvest buying over Suntec City. I'm displeased.

Have yet to study for 202. I'm displeased.

But still, life goes on.

Shall sulk now and be cheery again tomorrow.

ZOMG. 4 minutes to end of recess week. WALAO EH.