No matter how much I try to tune them out, I cannot get their voices out of my head.
I feel the incredulity at how much of a bully they are and I feel the fury slowly manifesting, but I cannot do anything because I'm not a part of this family. I want to save my mom but in their minds, I'm a 25-year-old freeloader that occupies on entire room in the house forcing all 4 of them to be brewing negativity in one room. I can't help think that this all wouldn't happen If I didn't exist. It's a stupid thought, I know, but my sanity has been forced out of my system.
I cannot think straight, I cannot think rationally.
All I can do is to construct a fake front whenever I'm out with my friends/boyfriend so I don't look like a loser with no hopes and dreams for the future. All I want is just peace internally when I'm out of the house.
I have used the frozen-spoon method so many times before going out to meet friends. I cannot meet them with eyes so swollen from crying the night before... or worse, hours before meeting them.
Yes, I will have my own house by 2019, but I don't know if I can survive 5 more years of this. Every single day, I feel robbed. Please give me my life back? Actually no, just give me a little bit of tenacity back.
I'm not well, I really am not.
The daily veil I wear before I step out of the house is slowly tearing apart.
So dear friends, if I decide to not come for a gathering, it's not because I hate you or have something against you, I'm just not well and I'd rather not spoil your day by showing up with a half-done facade.
Update on 3 November 2014 - Panic attack over and I'm back to normal (hopefully). I need to get better earphones. Time to invest in a good one that can block out all external noise.
On the bright side, HDB usually starts giving out keys in 3.5 years. That's only 2017 or latest 2018. 2019 is their buffer as it becomes a legal issue if they cannot fulfil their contractual obligations to hand over the keys on time.
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